I could see for miles, miles, miles.

This past week has been so utterly insane and overwhelming and so full of amazing and wonderful things. Early in the week I pulled a life force card that signified ecstasy, joy, rapture, and motivation. I've just wholeheartedly decided to open myself up to this energy and let it flow.

"Ecstasy is something people seek. It feels better than good; it feels, well....ecstatic. We experience it in tiny bursts and in bigger surges. It enables us to recognize the sacred nature of our own being as an experienced fact, not merely a theory or article of faith. Ecstasy is not something we can make within ourselves,  but something that flows through us when we open ourselves up to it. It fills us with power and with the motivation to grow, to become what we have the positive potential of being, and to fulfil our purpose in being here and now on this planet."

It's been building for a few weeks but this week things just took hold. I've been feeling better, liking myself more, being comfortable with who I am and who I want to give my energy to. This week was also the bringer in deciding that I didn't have to experience depression anymore. I've had bouts of anxiety/stress this week, but the depression is acknowledged and gone (possibly, just for now). Like, I had a number of moments where I felt shitty or felt worn out from too much "up-ness" but I practiced keeping my manics more steady and the crash didn't come. Sure, I was tired and wrestled with some emotional stuff this week and cried my face off a lot (whilst listening to The Con obviously) but I didn't fall into the depressive stuff. And every week for the last few years I fell into that. For the longest time I equated the "ecstasy" with the "manic"...but this time it's different. My life is changing, I'm in charge. Now, if I can only learn to re-open this mother fucking heart of mine, then we can get somewhere monumentous.


epically terrified.

I wrote this article for the Shameless Mag blog about the dissolution of my marriage. You should read it. I've read it a hundred times. The last paragraph still makes me exhausted and teary. I'm super exhausted right now and am retreating even more. I'm so so so so honoured to have so many wonderful supportive people in my life. Not sure I could do this (life) without them. I know I couldn't. I'm working through a laundry list of 22 things to sort out mentally/emotionally without much urgency. Giving myself time to 1) not process everything 2) be in the darkness in an accepting and loving way towards myself 3) not feel pressured to make every bad feeling a good feeling or every bad situation a good situation 4) to be courageous to love others and myself more authentically/epically/truthfully 5) trust myself that I make good decisions and can make more good decisions and will continue to make good decisions.

Played derby last night. The Con's weekly rituals came to a close and I was happy to get out there and skate my ass off. I've come so far and feel so good. I didn't fall very much and continued to feel incredible shame about how physical I am in this game (and how many people I just fucking bulldoze). I need to figure that one out (add it to the list).